President Obama Urges Republican Party To Extend Republican Primaries

January 20, 2012 – 3:56 pm filed in Politics

WASHINGTON, DC (TDDR) — “We must extend the Republican Primaries. We must extend them right now. We can’t afford to wait. Extend the primaries as soon as possible, don’t think, just do. I promise I will do everything in my power to get this accomplished for the good of America.” These are President Obama’s words as he made an impassioned plea to the Republican party. read more »

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Romney Claims Gringotts Lost His Tax Return

January 19, 2012 – 3:42 pm filed in Entertainment Politics

DIAGON ALLEY (TDDR) — Presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, insists he really wants to show the American people his tax return but can’t because Gringotts has misplaced it. Gringotts, the magical bank run by Goblins, has only ever lost two items previous to Mr. Romney’s tax return (the Sorceror’s Stone and a horcrux made from Helga Hufflepuff’s cup). read more »

Foxconn Forces Disputing Workers to Commit Suicide

January 13, 2012 – 6:46 pm filed in Business

CHINA (TDDR) — Foxconn, makers of the iPhone and Xbox 360, has reportedly resolved the pay dispute that prompted 300 workers to threaten mass suicide by forcing mass suicides. read more »

Pixar Announces Steve Jobs Film

January 11, 2012 – 9:38 pm filed in Entertainment

CUPERTINO, California (TDDR) — During a relatively dull NAC* expo, Pixar announced plans to release a Steve Jobs film in time for the 1 year anniversary of his death. John Lasseter, Chief Creative Officer at Pixar, had this to say:

“Here at Pixar, the memory of Steve Jobs is our most revered, yet our most reviled. Yes, He rescued us from the clutches of George Lucas, with whom we were stuck in the black hole known as the Star Wars franchise. But behind the silver iCurtain, Steve Jobs was not just a tyrant, but a dictator. read more »

BCS Issues Apology Over National Championship Game

January 10, 2012 – 6:10 am filed in Sports

After a National Championship game that many considered to be the death blow of the BCS system, officials were sent scrambling to remedy the situation. Early Tuesday morning, the BCS released the following statement:

To Our Valued College Football Fans,

The BCS would like to formally apologize for last night’s National Championship Game. When we founded the National Championship Game in 1998, our vision was to bring an exciting and thrilling battle to our fans between the top two teams in our nation.
read more »

Mark Zuckerberg Champions His Own Version of SOPA

January 9, 2012 – 4:00 pm filed in Technology

PALO ALTO, California (TDDR) — In an announcement sure to enrage countless Facebook users, Mark Zuckerberg revealed “SOPA 2.” Called the “Stop Online Privacy Act”, SOPA 2 would remove all privacy options from Facebook.

Wearing a blue turtleneck, Zuckerberg proclaimed, “I saw how popular SOPA had become, so I thought I could pretty much copy it and replace the word “piracy” with “privacy.” Now is a perfect time to try to sneak this legislation past the American people. Can they effectively fight two SOPA’s at the same time? I doubt it. Anyways, SOPA 2 gives the users what they want, even though a loud majority don’t think they want it. I believe we will see the quiet minority quietly accepting it.” read more »

3 in 5 Republicans Polled Want To Vote For Ron Paul, But Just Can’t

January 7, 2012 – 4:49 pm filed in Politics

Ron Paul looking like Ron PaulCONCORD, New Hampshire (TDDR) — In their latest poll, Nielsen’s revealed that out of 10,000 registered Republican voters, 6,000 want to vote for Presidential Candidate Ron Paul, but just can’t. The question, “why can’t they?”, could audibly be heard throughout the state.

Ryan Shark, a school teacher from Michigan who was included in the Nielsen poll, said, “I want to vote for the guy, I really do. I agree with almost everything he says.” When asked why he wouldn’t be voting for Representative Paul, Shark replied, “It’s like asking a smoker to quit cold turkey. Logically they know they should, but committing to and actually doing it is really freaking hard. I know the government spends ridiculously crazy amounts of cash and it blows my mind into little itty bitty pieces… but when it’s someone else’s money, it’s kind of easy to justify.” read more »

Brett Favre Reaches Out To Tim Tebow

January 7, 2012 – 4:47 pm filed in Sports

Old Brett FavreGREEN BAY, Wisconsin (TDDR) — In what may be considered passing the torch, Brett Favre, the legendary quarterback of Green Bay Packer fame, called up Tim Tebow late Wednesday evening to offer him some advice. Tim Tebow, a Heisman Trophy winner and two time BCS National Champion, has become somewhat of a media darling and has dominated the news in a Favre like fashion.

When asked his reasoning for the call, Favre responded, “Shoot, It all started when I texted him a pic of me Tebowing on my lawn mower a few weeks ago. He got a kick out of it and we’ve been in contact since then. It’s hard not to like the kid and I remember when I was in his position… I kind of envy him. The image he has and the way he interacts with the media is just fantastic. In a way I am a little jealous. What he has is special and I don’t want him to lose it.” read more »